Toys

I used to have this girlfriend, and at one point, she said, "Things are gettin' kinda boring, y'know... Maybe we could experiment with toys."

So, the next time I went over to her apartment, I brought my Hot Wheels cars and a big bucket of Lego's.

Thank you, I'm here all week.

Monday Mailgasms 01/29/07

Usually, we discourage people from playing in the Trash. But, in this case, it's allowed...

1. Are you ready to start making real money? -- No, my printer's not all that great.
2. Her father's voice was bitter in a way that she'd never heard before. -- Sounds like a case for Dr. Phil.
3. Re: RXedito -- Not in English, must be from an upcoming Mel Gibson flick.
4. Get paid for your opinion! -- You mean, as opposed to doling it out here for free?
5. Bring SEXY back with this Fredericks of Hollywood gift card -- Nah, I'm thinking a hot pretzel from Wal-Mart instead.
6. Relax in a new hot tub - Blowout -- Now if the hot tub had a blowout, how in the hell could I relax?
7. jackal subtract -- Not only is this "new math", it's also "freakin' weird math".
8. We're cheap! We're easy! -- Hey! Get your own mission statement!
9. Cut your phone bill in half -- Where's my scissors?
10. Saw it all -- Well, please don't tell. I have a reputation to uphold!

Weekend Quote, 01/27/07

There is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path.

-- Morpheus, from The Matrix

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Jerry!

I had one of the weirdest dreams recently.

In the dream, Jerry Seinfeld and I were sitting in a sauna, shooting the breeze as if we were old friends. Of course, being that it was a sauna, we were clad in nothing but the traditional towels (OK, get your mind out of the guttter, we are NOT going there!).

After a while, Jerry says, "You know what would be fun?

"No, what?" I replied.

"If we were to go on The Tonight Show, dressed like this. They're taping right now."

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah, come on. It's right next door."

So we went next door to the NBC studios (remember, it's a dream, things aren't supposed to make sense). I guess Jerry must've known a side entrance, because there were no security personnel whatsoever, we just walked right in.

Jerry said, "OK, I'll wait in the 'green room'. You go on out, and I'll be out there in a couple of minutes."

So I walk onto the stage of The Tonight Show, dressed in only my towel (that's a scary thought... for the audience). Only, it wasn't Jay Leno I see, but Johnny Carson, prattling away to his sidekick, Ed McMahon. When Johnny sees me, he starts laughing, then he introduces me to the audience (he knew who I was, so in the dream, I must've been famous). Of course, Ed's on the couch, bleating out his familiar "Haw-haw-haw-haw".

After a minute or so of innocent chit-chat, Johnny asks me why on Earth I came on the show dressed in only a towel. I told him that Jerry Seinfeld had put me up to it. I figured that that would be an obvious cue for Jerry to come out, and I was right. However (there's always a "however", isn't there?)... Jerry was NOT in a towel, but fully dressed. My mouth dropped open. Jerry Seinfeld had played a practical joke on me, on national television.

That bastard!

Moving Day

Yesterday, I moved. So did some of my neighbors.

No, I did not move out of my apartment. (That won't take place until summer. Oh, joy.)

At work, I moved to a different cubicle (and in fact, a different suite), as did some of my co-workers. The object was to consolidate all of the members on our project team in one common area.

I hate moving!!! (Don't hold back, Jim, tell us how you really feel!)

I've worked here for nearly 7½ years, sitting in the same cube for almost the entire time. As you might guess, I put a lot of time and effort into all the stuff I've decorated it with (i.e., Dilbert cartoons, and other litle oddities I've picked up along the way, not to mention the actual "work stuff" that I need to reference on a recurring basis). And you can imagine the vast amount of JUNK that has collected in my drawers during that time. (Oops, maybe I should specify... DESK DRAWERS!!!)

Luckily, boxes are easy to find where I work. So I spent a lot of time boxing up the junk... then a lot of time after that UNboxing the junk. And a funny thing happened on the way: I realized that I don't need a lot of that junk... so in the Recycle Box it went.

More "moving" things that I found in my desk:
-- Literally, DOZENS (maybe even hundreds) of plastic grocery-store bags. Why so many, I'm not sure.
-- 3 different containers of skin lotion. (My hands do get dry and cracked in the winter, so I need to do this... although I don't like the feel of lotion on my hands.)
-- Several band-aids... different brands, so I know they were brought in at different times.
-- At least 3 different company-logo cups that I'm not currently using.
-- Cotton balls (useful for when you get an earache).
-- A CD that my son found several years ago, that I didn't let him keep, due to some dicey lyrics. He's 19 now, I guess he can have it back.
-- Other things in my desk include: microwave popcorn, deodorant, a jar of iced tea mix, potted meat, mouthwash, plant food, and a can opener.

By the way... Did I ever tell you how much I hate moving?

Monday Mailgasms 01/22/07

The Spam Folder: Where we convert trash into fun...

1. We assure you that we can get you laid -- Holy Hell! Where were you when I was in high school?
2. What time you thinking -- I thinking between 2 pm and about 3:30... other than that, try to avoid it.
3. Stitch fling -- Affair with a seamstress?
4. Do spot -- Ewwwwww! I'm thinkin' not!
5. Drop two dress sizes -- I've never worn a dress in my life! (Well, not yet, anyway...)
6. I go mainstream --- ...When I look in your eyes, I still go mainstream...
7. Do he vamp -- I bet he do!
8. Rock and roll parking ticket -- Hmmm... possibly the sequel to "I Can't Drive 55"?
9. iCheese -- Snack food for when you're listening to your iPod?
10. Condom Sampler Pack Giveaway - Its Always Better to be Safe than Sorry -- This is funny all by itself, no comment necessary!
11. In is stupid --- Obviously, then, out is where it's at!!!

Kids Fly Free On Southwest !!!

OK, so only one kid flew free on Southwest. Maybe it's a trend, who knows...

Anyway, this was the story from Yahoo News:

LAKEWOOD, Wash. - A determined 9-year-old runaway who managed to board flights from Seattle to Texas in efforts to rejoin his grandfather in Dallas was seeking a father figure, his mother said.

Sakinah Booker said her son dislikes his new neighborhood, is afraid of a sex offender who lives nearby and has been impatient with her efforts to move back to Dallas.

She said her son, Semaj Booker, misses having a father.

According to Southwest Airlines, the boy approached the ticket counter at Seattle-Tacoma International Airport on Monday and was given a boarding pass after he said his mother was in the boarding area.

"The young man's information matched a paid, ticketless reservation for the flight. Based on the information he gave us, he was issued a boarding pass," the airline said. He was not listed as a child because he told the agent he was 12, Southwest said.

He made it through airport security, not needing picture identification because of his age, flew to Phoenix, then caught another plane to San Antonio, where airline employees stopped him from boarding a flight to Dallas because he couldn't explain why he didn't have a boarding pass, said David Hebert, spokesman for the San Antonio International Airport.

Southwest employees first thought he was lost, then called police when they realized he was lying, and he was taken to the police station when he persisted in giving false information about his age, name and where he had come from, officers said.

Police determined early Tuesday that he fit the description of a missing person report his mother had filed.

---

I'm thinking that maybe, just maybe, the mother should not have let the kid watch Home Alone 2. To recap, Home Alone 2 is the film in which young Kevin McCallister, played by a then-youthful Macaulay Culkin, inadvertently flies to New York on his own. (Sucks to have to explain humor, but I wanted to avoid "duh" comments by half-brainers).

Culkin, who is now 26, was in the process of "allegedly" getting drunk with a hooker, and had no comment.

Get Psyched!

If you've never seen the TV show, "Psych", then you need to tune in to USA Network tonight (10 pm EST) and catch an all-new episode. This show is hysterical!

The premise is that the main character, Shawn (played by James Roday), has incredibly well-honed powers of observation, and he uses these "powers" to pass himself off to the local police department as a psychic, in order to start a detective agency and solve crimes for the police. His partner is the very strait-laced Gus (actor Dule Hill, who you may remember from "The West Wing"), his best friend since childhood, who also holds down a "real" job in pharmaceutical sales. The only people who know that Shawn is a fake psychic are Gus, and Shawn's retired police-officer father, played by Corbin Bernsen.

In one episode involving murder at a Civil War re-enactment, Shawn shows up in a Civil War uniform at Gus' office, and the following dialogue take place...

RECEPTIONIST: There's a Lt. Crunch here to see you.
GUS: Lt. Crunch?
SHAWN: Actually, I've been promoted... It's now "Captain Crunch".

If you liked Jim Carrey in the "Ace Ventura" movies, you would probably like James Roday's work in "Psych". If you not, you should still check it out. I mean, I wouldn't want you to be psyched out.

Attack Of Future Spam???

So there I was, checking my Bulk Mail folder the other day, in preparation for next week's batch of Monday Mailgasms, when I saw the following:

(you may have to click on the screen print to see it more clearly)

WOW!!! It took my mind a minute or two to comprehend this phenomenon. But eventually, it came to me... Spammers in the future have figured out how to send spam into the past!!

And here we thought it was bad enough with spammers from our own time period!! I'm usually very interested in anything involving time travel, but in this case, I am very NERVOUS!!! Can't the government do something about this??!!! Where's Jean-Claude Van Damme when we need him most?

Subscribe To Me

You can subscribe to JimMcKee.com.

You're probably saying to yourself, "Why on Earth would I do that?" (See what happens when you talk to yourself?)

Haven't you ever checked someone's blog, only to find out that they hadn't posted anything new in a while... then checked several days later, and gotten the same result? If you subscribe to this web site, that won't happen any more (OK, it still might happen with other people's sites... I cannot control them). But, if you subscribe, you'll get an e-mail from Feedblitz within 24 hours of when I post something new, containing a link to the latest post. Voilà. (Don't get me started...)

What could be simpler? What could be more straightforward?

Look in my right sidebar, where it says "Subscribe to JimMcKee.com" in red letters, and follow the oh-so-brief instructions.

You can do it. I have faith in you.

In Concert: Gregg Allman

My son and I went to see Gregg Allman in concert the other night. Yes, the guy from the Allman Brothers. Yes, the guy that was married to Cher for about two minutes. Yes, he's still alive (he's 59 years old). I had won tickets from a local radio station, so my only expenses were the gas to get there (not unsubstantial, as it's 47 miles one-way), a few bucks for parking, and Mickey D's for my son and I.

I wasn't really sure what to expect. Apart from the Allman Brothers, my only knowledge of Gregg Allman's music was his solo hit from the mid-80's, "I'm No Angel". Needless to say, he opened with that song. The show also featured several Allman Brothers classics, including "Whipping Post", "Sweet Melissa", and "Midnight Rider". (Note to Gregg: "One Way Out" would've fit nicely into your show. Hint, hint.) More than anything, I think I was impressed with how powerful and uncompromising Allman and his band were. They really kicked ass. Pretty damn good for an old guy!!

An added bonus was the opening act, Honeytribe, led by Gregg Allman's son Devon (not the one he had with Cher, that's Elijah). That band was just as powerful as his dad's, but not quite as Southern-rock-oriented (although you could sense a bit of it). For me, being a huge Bob Marley fan, the highlight of Honeytribe's set was their cover of "No Woman, No Cry". I'm not generally a fan of covers, but that song was very powerful, very soulful... gave me goosebumps.

However, the best part of the whole evening for me came during the senior Allman's set. For you to appreciate this, you have to know that my son is a HUGE Blues Brothers fan. Anyway, on one song, it started out with a familiar riff on the bass guitar. I couldn't quite place it... then, as it dawned on me, I looked at my son, and his eyes were as big as saucers. It was the intro from the very first Blues Brothers recording (actually, the song is called "Can't Turn You Loose"); if you heard it, you would know exactly what I'm talking about. He was SOOOOOO geeked. That alone was worth everything I spent that night... and then some.

Monday Mailgasms 01/08/07

Well, hey! Let's gaze into the Spam folder and see what kinds of fun we can find...

1. Horny holiday times -- Oops, looks like I missed out!
2. Please be discreet -- Duh, I missed out, nothing to be discreet about now!
3. Meet real Christian singles -- as opposed to those fake Christian singles, right?
4. Be to dirt -- Obviously, good grammar is not a goal for everyone.
5. Talk on the phones everyone is talking about - We'll buy you the SLVR and PEBL! -- Is there a new (and terrifying) trend that cell phones get named after things that we would HATE to have in our shoes???
6. Patter -- What? No pitter???
7. A prune an expectant -- Is this sorta like "A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down"???
8. Go regular -- I can't help thinking that this is somehow connected to the previous item.
9. Indepence is not a fantasy -- But apparently, using spell-check is.

CHUCK NORRIS: Actor, Butt-Kicker, and now... Columnist

Chuck Norris.

You remember him. World karate champion. The "Missing In Action" and "Delta Force" movie series. On TV, "Walker, Texas Ranger"... or even on late-night infomercials, hawking the Total Gym exercise machine with Christie Brinkley.

Yeah, that guy.

Well, in addition to all that, he's added another title to his resume: columnist. He writes a weekly column on WorldNetDaily. You can find his current column, as well as archived past columns, here. Also, for future reference, I have added his link to the Bronze Team (even though it's not a blog, per se).

WARNING: His column is very right-leaning and Christian-oriented, so if that's not your bag, I'd avoid it if I were you.

Carpe Annum

(NOTE: My original idea was to entitle this, "Carpe Yearem", an obvious take-off on the phrase, "Carpe Diem". But then, I started having headaches, imagining some snarky little dweeb saying "Y'know, that's not proper Latin!" To which, I would be required to reply, "Listen here, you snarky little dweeb! Latin is what we normal people call a 'dead language'! So, back off, dork, or I'll show you WHY it's a dead language!" All in all, that would be a bad way to start the New Year. So, I bent to the faux police of Properdom.)

We've all heard the phrase "carpe diem": seize the day. But is a day really enough? I say it's not. Go big or go home, as I've often heard. So, that's my new motto: carpe annum - seize the year. That's right, I'm seizing the entire year of 2007, to mold it and shape it as I see fit. (Which has nothing at all to do with having seizures... Just in case you were getting confused. Seriously, take notes, people; you never know when I might spring a pop quiz on ya.)

Oh, don't worry. You can seize the year as well, and I hope that you do. The year belongs to all of us, not just me.

I am NOT talking about New Year's resolutions. Who really sticks with those for more than a few days anyway? The whole concept seems so failure-prone as to be worthless. Better to work on re-training your mind, to gear yourself towards positive achievements. And don't forget to reward yourself if you do achieve a goal. For example, if you desire to lose some weight, buy yourself a nice shirt when you reach that goal (and if it's a significant loss, you'll probably NEED a new shirt anyway). Whatever you do, try not to make the reward counter-intuitive to the goal. If your goal is to be in better physical shape, a heaping hot fudge sundae is probably not the best reward. But then again, it's your life, so you need to invent whatever rules work for you.

Whatever you do, make this a year (THE year) that you move towards your hopes and dreams. Even if it will take more than one year, go in that direction. You'll thank yourself (and me) later.

Carpe Yearem. (Neener neener neener!)