Weekend Quote 02/24/07

You don't plan sincerity -- you gotta make it up on the spot.

-- Denny Crane, from Boston Legal

Music, Old and New

I have been grooving to two songs from two different singers this week, and they have nothing in common, other than being upbeat songs.

First, the old song: "If I Had A Hammer" by Trini Lopez. This song is circa 1963 (roughly), and I've been familiar with it for many, many years. The song itself is a folk song, I have no idea of how old it is. Trini Lopez' treatment of it is very much folk-rock, and makes you want to sing along.

You can listen to it here:

The new song is "New Shoes" by Paolo Nutini. You can listen to this song by going to his MySpace site... it's the song that begins to play automatically when the page loads (though you can listen to three other songs there as well, and they're also good stuff).

A couple of interesting nuances about Paolo Nutini: He's from Scotland (with a name like that, I'd have figured Italy or Spain); and, he's only 19 years old. What is it with these incredibly talented youngsters from the UK? First, there was Joss Stone, and now this guy. Amazing.

Anyway, that's all I got. No pithy or snarky comments to wrap it up... I just wanted to share.

Three Men and a Baby... and a Body

ANNA NICOLE SMITH UPDATE: She's still dead.

(Sorry, I couldn't resist.)

---

Silly us. We thought the calamity and insanity that was Anna Nicole Smith had come to an end when she passed away a couple of weeks ago. But not only has that train NOT come to a stop, it's apparently pouring even more coal on the fire, with brake usage about as unknown as a sober day would be to Teddy Kennedy.

Not one, not two, but THREE men are claiming that they're the father of Anna's infant daughter. The contestants are:

-- Howard K. Stern, Anna's lawyer and companion
-- Larry Birkhead, photographer and former Anna boyfriend
-- Prince Frederic von Anhalt, husband of actress Zsa Zsa Gabor

What's funny is that men are usually trying to NOT be the father of a baby. Of course, there's not usually a big cash windfall associated with paternity like there is in this case, either. I mean, really, couldn't we settle this whole thing on one episode of Maury? SIDE NOTE: Oh my God, I just went to Maury's web site and the Question of the Day is: "Are you unsure about who is the father of your child?" (I shit you not.)

You know what would've been even more off-the-wall? If, instead of Howard K. Stern, it was Howard Stern, radio shock-jock.

And just when it seemed that the situation couldn't get any funkier, it's gone and done just that. Now there's a court fight over who gets Anna's body, between Stern and Anna's mother, Virgie Arthur. The problem is that, apparently, Anna's body is decomposing too rapidly, and the possibility of a public viewing is in jeopardy.

Say it with me, kids: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.
(Not for Anna, but for a decomposing Anna.)

Is it too late to put Jerry Springer in charge of all this? At least he has experience, and if anyone could do it right, it's Jerry.

News sources used:
The Associated Press, Court TV, http://jam.canoe.ca

Monday Mailgasms 02/19/07

After a one-week hiatus, it's back...

Y'know, most people just delete their Junk mail. But do I? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I have to poke my nose into it...

1. Britney Spears has lost her panties -- And her hair... and apparently, her mind...

2. Want to be a hero in a bed? -- Good Lord, I sincerely hope this isn't related to Item # 1.

3. Condom Sampler Pack Giveaway - Its Always Better to be Safe than Sorry -- OK, this is a REALLY disturbing trend.

4. Be pretty -- I'm "pretty" sure this doesn't apply to me.

5. Wil je werken in een open organisatie, waarbij collegialiteit, sfeer en samenwer -- In English, please.

6. Bold Riley and the Witch in the Wild By the Wayside Camera Obscura Chasing Rainbows Claviger Compass Galaxion Girlamatic Editorial Gypsy! -- This one's in English, and I still don't get it.

7. At the reprimand -- NOW what did I do?

8. I chunk go seizure -- Ewwwwwwwwwwwww.

9. Or no messy -- Double ewwwwwwwwwwwww.

10. I'm next! -- Oh no, you don't! You wait your turn, pal!

Weekend Quote 02/17/07

Me carrying a briefcase is like a hotdog wearing earrings.

-- Former Detroit Tigers manager Sparky Anderson

Pizza In A Cup

This is the best pizza in a cup ever. This guy is unbelievable. He ran the old Cup 'o Pizza guy out of business. People come from all over to eat this.

Fans of Steve Martin will certainly remember the above quote from "The Jerk". But why did I use it as a reference? Because "pizza in a cup" are words that just don't seem to belong together. Kinda like "tennis ball on a stick".

At my place of employment, for several weeks now, I've seen a tennis ball on a stick in the hallway, next to various cleaning utensils, such as brooms and mops. And it's been driving me crazy, trying to figure out what the hell is the purpose of the tennis ball on a stick.

So, yesterday as I was leaving, I asked the cleaning lady what it was for. She said it was to remove scuff marks from the floor.

Of course it is. Silly me.

Anyway, now you know what a tennis ball on a stick is for.

I'm still working on pizza in a cup.

Goodbye, Anna

Anna Nicole Smith (1967-2007)

May you finally find the peace that eluded you in life.

Houston, We've Got A Problem...

This was the story from Yahoo News that has been played out over the last few days...

Lisa Marie Nowak, a 43-year-old space shuttle astronaut and married mother of three, drove from Houston to Orlando, where police say that, wearing a wig and a trench coat, and armed with pepper spray, she attacked a romantic rival over their shared interest in another astronaut. In Nowak's car, police also found a steel mallet, a serrated knife, and a loaded pellet gun. Nowak was arrested Monday on attempted kidnapping and battery charges. A charge of attempted first-degree murder was added Tuesday, which carries a maximum penalty of life in prison.

Nowak, accustomed to wearing astronaut diapers during the space shuttle's launch and return to Earth, wore them on the drive from Houston so she would not have to make bathroom stops as she raced to confront Colleen Shipman at the Orlando International Airport, police said.

Astronaut diapers. I never thought I'd see those two words in the same sentence. Maybe I'm just naive, but who knew?

I'm wondering if NASA specifically recruits whack-jobs, or just fails to screen for them.

In the above photos, Nowak is shown at left in March 2005, and at right, the other day when she was arrested. Oh, how a hero has fallen!

Nowak holds the rank of Captain in the Navy. Shipman is a Captain in the Air Force, which is 3 steps below a Navy Captain (a Navy Captain would be equal to an Air Force Colonel). Why couldn't Nowak just ORDER Shipman to leave the guy alone??

Is there some kind of really BAD mystical karma in naming a kid Lisa Marie? (koff:presley:koff)

I'm thinking a joint production between NASA and Jerry Springer might be in the works.

Monday Mailgasms 02/05/07

Hey, kids... Are we up for a little dumpster-diving on this bitterly cold Monday??

1. I legislature to cuttlebone -- No freakin' wonder Congress can't get anything done -- they speak in gibberish.
2. Get introduced to someone in 24 hours -- Notice they don't say "someone of QUALITY"... Just "someone"...
3. mysterious mortician -- mysterious... and creepy!
4. Kentucky Fried Chicken Special Offer! -- Ooooh, tastes like chicken!
5. do november -- You nitwit, it's February, how in the hell can I do November?
6. You're visiting kottke -- I am? Well, I hope you're paying for my plane ticket.
7. Did u decide -- Nope, too busy packing my bags to go visit kottke.
8. Poor sleep leads to poor health -- DUH!!! What's next, "Lack of cash leads to being broke"?
9. need to learn about Ebay.com? -- Like an auction house, but on the Internet? Nope, done learnt it all.
10. statue regeneration -- If I'd have known she was a statue, I wouldn't have done it.

Weekend Quote 02/03/07

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

-- Ronald Reagan

Attack Of The Terrorist Lite-Brites

By now, you've probably heard the story of what happened in Boston yesterday. If not, a quick recap...

Five electronic devices were found in various public locations throughout the city of Boston yesterday. Officials assumed the worst and went into panic mode, resulting in the shutdown of a highway and the deployment of bomb squads. It turns out that the devices were harmless, and were part of a "guerilla marketing campaign" to promote a program on The Cartoon Network.

When I heard this news report on the radio, it sounded pretty serious... that is, until I came home and read further stories about it on the 'Net -- stories that were accompanied by the above photo. Come on, people, it's a freakin' Lite-Brite, for Pete's sake! Terrorists crash packed jetliners into crowded skyscrapers... I think any use of Lite-Brite's would be a definite downgrade. Hell, wouldn't the sight of the little Lite-Brite guy flipping you the bird be funny enough to rule out terrorist acts? I mean, how many Al-Qaida comedians have we seen to date? Anyone?

On the other hand, if they start messin' with Etch-A-Sketches, we're all screwed (and not in a good way).

The terror alert level has been raised to "periwinkle".