It’s Been One Year Since You Looked At Me…

(with apologies to the Barenaked Ladies)

What's the old saying? "Time flies when you're having fun"? (Or is it "when you have funds"?) Oh well, no matter...

This web site, blog, thing-a-ma-jig, or whatever you'd like to call it, is officially ONE YEAR OLD today. (Which is, like, seven in dog years, right?)

My very first post (which, upon re-reading, I am still very proud of) was basically a mini-bio of Yours Truly.

I've gone through some trials and tribulations in life, learned a lot (some of it the hard way -- damn Blogger!), made connections with some people that I am proud to call friends, and hopefully provided a few smiles and chuckles for my readers along the way.

Many of you have been so very kind, especially those who have linked to me. The rest of you -- what's your freakin' problem? (I say that mostly in jest... but if you visit this site on a regular basis, and you enjoy it... why not share the love with your readers??)

Anyway, here's to more good stuff from me over the coming year. As Bartles and James used to say, "And we thank you for your support." (Except there's only one of me, and I'm a lot younger than those guys... In fact, I think they might be dead by now... They were pretty old, even back in the 80's.)

By the way, feel free to help yourself to a piece of cake.

Cockles Of My Heart

As in: This photo warms the cockles of my heart.

"Why, Jim, why?" I can hear you asking.

Because the photo displays two things that are near and dear to my heart: cheesy tots and "24".

I'm still trying to decipher the rest of the photo...

DT: If I try to stop either cheesy tots or "24" cold turkey, I'll probably get the DT's.
RS: If that happens, I'll probably need the professional services of a Registered Specialist.

It's a working theory, anyway.

Close, But No Seger

In the last week, I've had not one, but two separate people tell me that I look like Bob Seger. This is really strange, because before then, I had NEVER been told that before. (Jerry Garcia, yes, but never Seger.)

Bob Seger, if I'm not mistaken, is totally gray. I'm somewhere between 40 and 60 percent gray, depending on the day... although the blond really mixes in well with the gray. (Which is why I never tell people I have salt-and-pepper hair, because I have no "pepper"... I like to say I have "salt-and-Molly-McButter" hair.)

Here's a photo of me that I just took (can you tell I got a camera phone recently? more on that in a few days). You be the judge... Do I really look like Bob Seger?


So, do these peeps (the ones who think I look like Bob) need a little more work on their night moves? Or maybe rock & roll DOES occasionally forget...

New Math?

This story comes to us from the Associated Press...

Team Cracks Century-Old Math Puzzle

PALO ALTO, Calif. (AP) -- An international team of mathematicians says it has cracked a 120-year-old puzzle that researchers say is so complicated that its handwritten solution would cover the island of Manhattan.

The 18-member group of mathematicians and computer scientists was convened by the American Institute of Mathematics in Palo Alto to map a theoretical object known as the "Lie group E8." Lie (pronounced Lee) groups were invented by 19th-century Norwegian mathematician Sophus Lie in his study of symmetrical objects, especially spheres, and differential calculus.

The E8 group, which dates to 1887, is the most complicated Lie group, with 248 dimensions, and was long considered impossible to solve. "To say what precisely it is is something even many mathematicians can't understand," said Jeffrey Adams, the project's leader and a math professor at the University of Maryland.

The problem's proof, announced Monday at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, took the researchers four years to find. It involves about 60 times as much data as the Human Genome Project. The calculation does not have any obvious practical applications but could help advance theoretical physics and geometry, researchers said.

---

OK, can we all say it together... WTF???

Eighteen mathematicians and computer scientists spent four years working on a problem that has no "obvious practical applications"? Good God, do these guys know how to party, or what?

This is an actual photo of me, totally perplexed, taken while writing this.

Seriously, Charlie on "Numb3rs" uses his math brain to help the FBI solve crimes. If these 18 are so damn smart, why can't we set them to work on locating Osama bin Laden? If they had even a fraction of Charlie's success rate, OBL would already be on Death Row, not to mention being the bitch of a large man named Bubba.

With such an efficient utilization of human resources, it's obvious that these eighteen individuals have a very bright future in politics.

Go figure.

Weekend Quote 03/17/07

It takes the Village People to raise a child.

-- Jim McKee

Suicide Is Painless...

That was the actual title of the theme song from the TV series "M*A*S*H". If you're interested, you can check out the complete lyrics here. I'll have some comments on that at the end of this article.

Last weekend, the entertainment world was saddened by two suicides...

1. Richard Jeni, stand-up comedian and actor. This guy was one of the funniest comedians I'd ever heard of. Really, you should just trust me on that... but in case you don't, here are some brief samples of his humor...

** (Referring to religious wars) You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.
** It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!
** At least Charles Manson has the decency to look crazy from the moment you meet him.
** There is an obesity epidemic. One out of every 3 Americans... weighs as much as the other 2.
** You know what the average person is? Average.
** I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, OK, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.

Honestly, though, these samples don't do him justice.

His family has recently announced that Jeni had been diagnosed with "severe clinical depression coupled with bouts of psychotic paranoia".

2. Brad Delp, lead singer of the rock band Boston. Who under the age of sixty hasn't sung along at one time in their life to More Than A Feeling? Truly one of the greatest rock songs ever, from one of the most awesome bands ever. But not only was Delp a very talented singer, but apparently had a lot of heart as well, as witnessed by this public announcement by his fellow band members on their web site: "We've just lost the nicest guy in rock and roll." According the the New Hampshire medical examiner, Delp's death was the result of carbon monoxide poisoning. Delp sealed the doors of his master bathroom with towels where two charcoal grills were used to generate the killer gas. As further evidence of how much he cared about others, he left notes on doors warning those who would find him about the carbon monoxide.

His actual suicide note read, "I am a lonely soul."

Both of these very talented individuals will be sorely missed.

But, about that title... Is it really painless? I guess it can be... for the perpetrators. Certainly NOT for the surviving friends and family. In my opinion, those are the people who suffer the most.

Monday Mailgasms 03/12/07

With the weather finally approaching mild, whaddaya say we take a look and see what we can see in the ol' e-mail Trash Can...

1. blindly -- Email from Stevie Wonder, maybe?
2. The residents got out -- I hate when that happens.
3. THIS WILL RESULT IN FROSTBITE AND LEAD TO HYPOTHERMIA IF PRECAUTIONS ARE NOT TAKEN -- Especially for the residents who got out...
4. local time udder -- could come in handy if I ever had an appointment with a cow.
5. yes -- No.
6. I exist of uranus -- Not MINE!!!
7. Have nucleic the buttress -- Hmmm... related to Item # 6 ???
8. ##random_subject## -- ##random_smart-ass response##
9. He go virginia -- Tell him send me postcard.
10. on to barney -- I love you... You love me...

That's all I got, peeps.

Weekend Quote 03/10/07

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

-- Will Rogers

I Found Her Diary Underneath A Tree...

(Apologies to EDW for borrowing her style of assigning titles, but it really fit, way better than anything else. Also, if you're looking for a laugh, I recommend skipping this post.)

Y'know, sometimes being the quintessential nice guy really sucks.

I just found out that someone I used to be madly in love with (OK, still am... geez, cut me some slack) is seeing someone new. I have conflicting feelings swirling around inside of me. I am very happy for her; she's awesome and deserves to be happy. I'm sad for me, though; even though she never led me on, I had this weird hope that she would eventually "come around" to the idea that we ought to be together.

If I wasn't such a nice guy, perhaps I could cast this into a different light... maybe make her out to be the "bad guy"... would that salve my wounded heart? But I can't, because it wouldn't be the truth -- she did nothing wrong at all, she just didn't feel the same way.

The funny thing is, nobody told me this was the case. She wrote something that I happened to read... I deduced her new status, and then she confirmed it.

By the way, sometimes it also sucks to be smart.

I'll close with the song lyrics I referred to in the title.

(P.S. Please don't feel sorry for me. It's just something that I had to let out... kind of like popping a pimple.)

"Diary" by Bread

I found her diary underneath a tree,
And started reading about me.
The words she's written took me by surpise,
You'd never read them in her eyes.
They said that she had found the love
She waited for.
Wouldn't you know it, she wouldn't show it.

When she confronted with the writing there,
Simply pretended not to care.
I passed it off as just in keeping with
Her total disconcerting air
And though she tried to hide
The love that she denied,
Wouldn't you know it, she wouldn't show it.

And as I go through my life,
I will give to her my wife,
All the sweet things that I can find.

I found her diary underneath a tree.
And started reading about me.
The words began to stick and tears to flow.
Her meaning now was clear to see.
The love she'd waited for
Was someone else, not me.
Wouldn't you know it, she wouldn't show it.

And as I go through my life,
I will wish for her his wife
All the sweet things that she can find
All the sweet things they can find.

Has The Well Run Dry?

Interesting question.

I try to make this web site funny, or at least fun. Generally, I will approach that in one of two ways: (1) my funny take on some news story, or (2) my funny take on something that happened to me.

The thing is, I haven't had any funny inspirations on news stories, and my life has been rather boring lately. Hence, the dearth of posts here, of late.

Maybe I need to be like Steve Martin. He said that someone asked him, "Steve, how can you be f*cking funny?" He replied, "Every morning when I wake up, I put a piece of bologna in each shoe. That way, I just feel funny."

So, in answer to the title question... Maybe, but I'm sure it's only temporary.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to the grocery store for some bologna.

Triumphant Return

(NOTE: The title does NOT refer to me. I've just been chillin'... And besides, I'm still mourning the loss of Anna Nicole...)

So there I was, making my usual breakfast run at the BK drive-thru this past Monday... when suddenly... I could NOT believe my eyes. They're back.

"Who or what are back?" you're probably asking yourself.

Of course, I'm referring to...

.

.

... (wait for it) ...

.

.

.

CHEESY TOTS !!!!
(oh yeah!!)

Long-time readers will remember how I mourned the loss of these delectable treats back in July. Well, I can't say if it's by sheer coincidence, or if I may have had something to do with it. At this point, it's really irrelevant, isn't it?

If you're not familiar with these potato and cheese delicacies, here's the description straight from Burger King's web site (which I had to type out myself, since it was in a Flash file)...

Hot, golden brown tots with melted cheese in the middle. Two glorious tastes in one portable package -- the new CHEESY TOTS™ from BURGER KING®. Whether it's six, nine or 12-pieces, you can start your day with a mouthful of HAVE IT YOUR WAY®.

(I don't know why they call 'em "new"... but again, who really cares?)

The tots are back in town
The tots are back in town
Spread the word...

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I'm so excited
And I just can't hide it
Cheesy tots are back in town
And I think I like it

My taste buds are now actively doing the Snoopy happy dance. But, you knew that, right?